It's time to get a bit deep and meaningful......

A couple of quotes to assist with this weeks blog

It’s hard not to get philosophical when writing, after all you are usually writing a story you hope will entertain but will also to provoke thought. I think it’s important to stimulate healthy debate and get people thinking about life in a way that they may not have previously considered. I have been thinking about the purpose of my blogs, which ultimately are here to encourage a curiosity of my book. I want my blogs to be thought provoking, as that is also what I want my book to be but in a story telling kind of way!

I am lucky to live in the country I currently reside, as not every country is living in what I perceive as a modern era. A large percentage of the world’s population live in dictatorships where the mere thought of a society being ‘curious’ petrifies its government. This quote is from 1593, an awfully long time ago I am sure you will agree:

“Curiosity is the unbridled desire of those who seek to know more than they should.” – Cesare Ripa

As I stated this quote from 1593, I like to think we have progressed a lot since then, it is staggering to think that there are still places on this globe that think this way. There are governments who are scared by their populations thirst for knowledge and are angered by the audacity of anyone that would question their rule. I am not questioning that we do need rules to ensure there isn’t complete anarchy but there are some rules that oppress and have no real purpose other than control. It is now 2014, 421 years later (that is right, I can do maths) - so why is it in 421 years those societies have not progressed in their thinking and yet others have?

The photo above are quotes that were written for me by my close friend/chief book reader and sister from another mister, Lisa. I have gone away and read around these quotes because they relate to journeys of the central character. The first quote I really like and it is taken from a book on philosophy. This is for the purpose of those that may struggle to read the scribble above:
 

“If wonder and curiosity are human attributes, so too are the thrill of exploration and the joy of discovery” – Will Buckingham et al (The Philosophy Book)

I believe through wonder and curiosity we develop who we are. We learn more about the world, other people and our surroundings. It truly is the thrill of life and in fact of living, I believe this makes you truly alive. I hope my book takes the wonder and curiosity of the protagonist, to then take the reader on the journey of exploration and discovery. I hope that you get sucked in to want to know more and want to keep turning pages. I also think that exploration and discovery reflect bravery and set the direction of our own personal journeys. 

The last quote is probably the one I have mulled over the most. Again, I have saved your eyes and saved you scrolling back up the page by writing it below:

“Scepticism is the first step towards truth” – Denis Diderot

Do you accept what you see? Do you accept what you are told? Do you ask more questions? Do you probe further to find out the truth? Are you too scared to ask questions? If you take everything at face value, then you will believe it is the truth, but is it really?

Am I now just really messing with your head? I think I am confused again. Where was I? Where am I?

I tend to avoid asking a lot of questions, mainly down to self doubt and a fear of what the truth actually is. I tried to make the main character a lot braver than I actually am, I tried to make her someone I would want to be. Technically, what is there to be scared of by finding out the truth? Why could the truth be so scary? Sometimes the truth is the best thing that could ever happen to you. You could retort that it can also be the worst - I disagree - you heal, you move on, you get stronger and you become a better person. This naturally equates to the best thing that ever happened to you in that circumstance. I can even think of more tragic examples, but by knowing the truth, however devastating you can put in place a plan to overcome, to prevent or to accept.

Is denial necessarily a good place to be? Am I now completely wrecking your head? My head hurts so I will stop this toddler onslaught of why's! I will leave you with this one thought:

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them" - Galileo Galilei

 

Self doubt....

I do like to share good music. So before I get into this weeks blog, I want to make sure I share a song that has been on repeat since February. There are songs I like musically or lyrically and this song has the beauty of appealing on both levels. It's a song called Southern Sun by a group called Boy and Bear. Anyway, I am rambling when really I should get on with the blog: There is a purpose behind utilising this song in my introduction and it is the opening lines:

In all you've seen
Was it that came down on me that night
A conjuring, I held on to that moment and lie
Just to make it alive

I've been struggling this week; predominantly I have had writers block, I am having a week where I keep reading the last section I have written and then thinking 'this is no good, nobody is going to want to read it and really the only person this story matters to is me.' I am going through a phase of self doubt; which is pretty frustrating when you have written just over 80,000 words, and suddenly all those hours of writing seem to be a bit pointless.

My friend Tilly eloquently said that writing is a very personal thing to share and that you are very brave if you embark on that journey. I have made the realisation that I have laid out my ideas for other people to read, I am starting to get a little paranoid that one day people will read my book and judge me. Although the book is fiction, you do share emotions and you tap into your own memory in an attempt to access your senses and how things felt. Although writing is creative, you take a seed of experience and let it grow into something you hope others enjoy and relate to.

The opening line to this song always makes me think of the conjuring of an idea, taking some moments and then breathing life into it. I was hoping to write something that takes the reader on a journey and that they can relate to parts of the story. So my writing process is very much to think about the people reading the story and whether they will like it.

I like real situations and I like real stories based around people that bare all and really put themselves out there for great reward. Living and loving is about risk, you can live safely and have a good life or you can take risks and reap great rewards. My writers block and self doubt is coming from a place of thinking that I am not writing about something that is real. It is fiction, so it's not meant to be real but it needs to come from a place that is. My ideas were starting to feel like they were based upon false sensory information and didn't feel as powerful or as poignant as they once did.

This was starting to get me down but today I have had a revelation (well, I wouldn't go that far but it has inspired me to blog again and also to return to editing the book). The story did feel powerful and poignant when I initially had the idea 12 years ago. The idea has kept me motivated to keep attempting to write the story over and over again during the last 12 years, so although right now it feels pointless; it is a temporary state of mind. You can't turn a good idea on and off; just like you can't turn real emotions on and off, they will continue to grow, evolve and develop. The protagonist was unable to turn her emotions off, she thought she knew how and she thought she had life all figured out but then love showed her who was the boss.

So it is time to dust off my pen and in the words of the song.... "Come on, come on I'm ready now."

How do you know?

My Grandparents with my cousin Mathew in June 1982

If you have yet to read my other blogs, they are essentially just some thoughts that have ultimately shaped the story I am currently writing. I had a concept in my head of the book I wanted to write but never really knew how I wanted the story to develop or how to even begin. I guess a series of life experiences helped to cement some of the ideas and this time around I have managed to get passed the roadblock of 200 words (that's right, I have attempted to write this several times and only made the 200 word mark). Yesterday the story hit the 77,000 word mark... I can't believe I have written 77,000 words.

Anyway, enough of my shock that I have actually physically written 77,000 words (and still going). While I was writing yesterday, there was a section where I was thinking, 'how do you know? How do you really know that you have met the one.' We've all been on dates, we've all got preconceived ideas of who we think we should fall in love with but nobody prepares you for when it finally happens or who that person ends up being. I got to thinking about both sets of my Grandparents. I have one set that are thankfully still around and living it up in their 80's, the wonderful Pat and Merve, they met in their teens and are still happily married to this day. You'll often see Merve the Swerve up the legion with Pat on his arm.

Then I have my other set of Grandparents who are sadly no longer with us, Eddie and Yvonne. I've put the picture of them above with my cousin Mathew. I bet Mathew will love the fact I have highlighted his age by specifying when the photo was taken. I was thinking about them yesterday because I always loved their story. I think you can tell from the picture above that they were always very much in love; I can imagine that they had tough years but they made it through together and always with a smile on their faces.

My Nana, Yvonne, was a dancer and at 17 she left home and toured the country with a dance troop. She was working in Morecombe in 1952 when she spotted the drummer in the big band, a young man by the name of Eddie. My Nana went over to her best friend and said "that is the man I am going to marry." My Nana was always full of such confidence in her conviction that I have no doubt she knew, but she was so confident that she said it out loud. Later on my Nana would go on to discover that on the very same day my Grandad wrote a letter to his sister Dulcie saying that he had just seen the girl he was going to marry.

My Nana would have been 17/18 at that time and yet she knew in that one meeting that Eddie was the one. Also, the bit that always gets me is that he knew too. They had barely spoken to each other but they knew. I find it amazing now I know how young they were when they met and of how certain they were of each other. It's funny in the modern age that if a 17 year old told you that they were going to marry a guy they had just met, you would think they were crazy. Yet to the day my Grandparents both passed away, they were very much in love.

I know it's very soppy but growing up I always remember them both laughing. My Nana's hearty laugh and my Grandads almost mischievous Mutley style laugher. I think that was a pretty strong sign that at their tender young ages they were right to be certain; which leads me back to my first question... How did they know? How do any of us know?

Is it science? Chemistry? Fate? I love hearing other peoples love stories, as well as physically living out my own but I particularly loved my Grandparents story. The story makes the hairs on the back of my neck go up - not that I have many, I am a lady. I love the fact that on the same day after only knowing each other for a few hours, that they had the self-belief to tell their closest confidants that, 'I have just met the person I am going to marry.'

It was hearing this story that made me think: I will write this bloody book!! I realised how many people enjoy hearing a love story and maybe the idea wasn't so bad after all. I think the majority of us will confess to having hope that we have a soul mate and that we love the stories about 'fateful' meetings. Obviously there is a lot more to the story I have written, this is just one element of it. However, I guess there is a mini battle in the main characters self-belief and self-realisation. I guess the most successful love stories stem from at least one person having confidence in what they are feeling and taking that nerve racking first step...

I dare you to love me...

I've named this post after my favourite line from a movie. The reason I love it so much is that while going through the process of coming to terms with the fact that I was attracted to women, the thought of being with a woman terrified me. I wanted someone to help me through the process and I quite literally wanted someone to say those words to me - 'I dare you to love me'.

It sounds like a challenge, but for a person that grows up with the norm that you fall in love with men, taking the step to actually being in a relationship with another woman... Well, it is a dare. It is going against everything that you think is normal, it is going against what a lot of people are comfortable with and there comes a lot of risk. Therefore when you hear the words 'out and proud', really think about what that actually means. Someone who has been through that process is indeed very brave and should be proud, and yes, I am patting myself on the back a bit by saying that.

At the same time I question myself, am I really proud? There are still occasions I avoid talking about the person I love for fear it may offend the person I am speaking to. There are times I feel slightly embarrassed to say the words, 'I am a lesbian'. I also despise the fact that I should have to put a label on myself. Then I question if I am really 'out and proud'. I think the video below describes this much more eloquently. If you have a spare ten minutes, please watch this video and applaud a very brave man.

I think society should have respect for someone that has taken the risk to 'come out'. If you are reading this as a fellow person that loves someone of the same sex and you are lucky enough to be with someone that has also taken the risk to be in a relationship with you, then I think that type of love is truly special. It is loving against all reason, all sense and with great risk. I have even more respect for people that do it with grave risk. There are currently 75 countries where it is illegal to be gay, of those 75 there are five where it is punishable by death and two where parts of the country it is punishable by death. Just take a moment to really digest that... Imagine as you sit next to the person that you love, that someone could burst in at any moment and decide that your relationship is punishable by death.

This is quite deep and depressing for a Sunday. I apologise for that, but I make no apology for bringing that fact to your attention. I am very lucky to live in a liberated country... Well, Mr Abbott has yet to legalise gay marriage in Australia but at least I can't be put in prison for living with my partner of 10 years.

It's quite funny really that a law abiding citizen, who works hard, pays taxes, provides for those they love, looks out for their friends, will take the trash out for their elderly neighbour and just be an all round good guy; can be hated by a complete stranger because the person they go home to is also a man. Actually it's not funny, it's sad. Then you have to wonder why the stranger would hate this man, a man who he has never had a conversation with: who is responsible for those values?

I'm on a bit of a soap box today, I'll take a step down from it in a second. I wish we could reverse all 75 countries belief systems, but this won't be done in a day; this will take time and awareness. It probably won't be in my lifetime but we can all help towards the little steps to raise awareness that there are currently 75 countries where it is illegal to be gay. That is nearly 40% of the worlds countries. Again, take a moment to really think about that.

I wrote this book for many reasons. The reason I am most passionate about is that we ought to be more aware that there are countries in the world where basic human rights are still restricted. The human right I am most passionate about is gay rights because I can relate. The phrase 'I dare you to love me', doesn't just restrict itself to two people who are in love. I open that up, if you have a view that gay people are an abomination; well, I dare you to love me for who I am and not who I love.

Be present and be courageous

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So, I was thinking about how we apply more thought to how we deal with colleagues at work and in our professional life than we do at home. You may now be thinking, ‘Corina, what are you talking about?’….. which to be fair I get a lot. However, today I was running over an outline of company culture and building blocks to ensure we each behave in a certain way. Well, it got me thinking and let me tell you the cogs were turning in my tiny brain; I thought about how at work we will train ourselves to deal with people in a respectful way but how often do we actually review our ‘personal life’ and our behaviour towards the most important people in our lives?

There are some common themes in the major organisations I have worked with, maybe this is because I select companies that I feel some sort of synergy with. The organisations I have worked for tend to have values around respecting your colleagues; having courageous conversations; being honest and trustworthy; taking pride in your work; being passionate about results and excellence in execution. How many of us apply this to real life? Not that work isn't real life, but you know what I mean.

I’m not saying we should walk around like conditioned robots…. No, because that would be weird. However, our nearest and dearest should be treated with respect, which is the first value I wanted to cover. I am talking about giving people your full attention, listening, taking on board their feedback and showing them that you are truly present. It is very important in an effective working relationship so therefore it is equally as important in personal relationships. So I was thinking (yep, I know this is getting dangerous) about people I spend time with and also about me (because I do like a bit of self-reflection), and how we play with our phones/answer our phones/text and generally not give the person we are spending time with our full attention. I am certainly not innocent here, I can be a huge ignoramus; but these pesky new smartphones, as great as they are…. Well, they’re also distracting. If we wouldn’t do it to a colleague, why would we do it to someone we care about? FYI I do care about my colleagues, but I am using this term for the purposes of this blog just to mean personal relationships. Don’t judge me.

One of the other values is the courageous conversation; what do I mean by that? If you genuinely respect someone and genuinely care for them, then you should not be afraid to have a tough conversation. This comes with a lot of courage and you should be very respectful if someone has cared enough to have an awkward conversation with you.  I remember one of the most harmonious houses that I lived in, we had a hard conversation on day one where we had a house meeting which got heated but this turned out to be the best foundation for our house (I love a good pun). It meant we established a respectful relationship in our home and all went on to stay great friends because of it.

Another area is trust, which is usually closely linked to being honest. Now this is a tricky area and everyone will have a different opinion, just how honest should you be? I, personally, believe in being transparent with those I am closest to. I think this means that you form 'real' relationships based on who you are. Equally there are times where you don't share everything to protect those you care about. I think withholding the truth should be a very difficult decision because ultimately you are usually doing this to protect those you love. You live with these decisions and it should be based on protection rather than being malicious.

Then we have excellence in execution…. Well that’s about actually doing all of the above. It’s all well and good saying that you are those things and telling other people that’s what you expect; but do you actually live and breathe these things? Are you one of life’s ‘apologisers’? If so, do you ever stop and reflect to make sure you are not saying sorry about the same thing over and over again? I’m not talking about being considerate and saying sorry for a basic error like spilling the milk. I’m talking about apologising for a behaviour which upsets or hurts someone else. If you say you are going to do something, do it.

I guess if you are someone who takes pride in being a good person and cares about those they love, then some of these things will flow naturally into your life. I am not saying you are a bad person if you slip up and make mistakes in how you deal with people. We all do this; the question is how you deal with these mistakes? This comes back to having tough conversations and being honest. It’s like a tidy little circle.

I am certainly not standing on a box claiming to be perfect (normally I am jumping over one or on one and being told to get immediately back off it. Pesky box jumps). I don’t think anyone can ever claim they are squeaky clean and you know what; there are also times where you have to tell little white lies to protect people and you might avoid having a tough conversation. This comes down to your judgement of a situation and whether you can deal with the consequences of your decisions. Gosh, sometimes I can be so deep (where did 'gosh' come from? Oh hello early 1900's).

For me, it’s all about self-reflection and trying to be a good person. What is the reason to try and be a good person? Well, surely you aim to be a good person for the people you love because our world goes round based on the people in our lives and the memories we make together. Now that may make you want to stick your fingers down your throat and induce vomit, but for me that’s what life is about. You make a mark through making good memories both in your own mind and other peoples. That is a sign you are truly alive: because even after you are gone, you are still alive in other peoples memories and smiles.

How does this link to the book? Well, I believe through our late teens and early twenties we make mistakes which lead to figuring out who we are; who we want to keep in our lives and the values we live by. I guess you’ll have to read the book to find out what I am rambling on about (ultimately this is why I am blogging). Yes, ok that was a shameless plug..... but please read my book…. when I finish it.

Communication

Methods of communication

It has been a very long time since my last blog. There have been a number of contributing factors: The first is that I am currently running a long distance relationship with an 8 hour time difference, the second is a new role at work meaning an increase in working hours and the third is my new addiction to crossfit. However, even my new addiction is suffering at the mere 24 hours in one day and so suffice to say that my writing has taken a hit.

I was talking to Soph, my long suffering partner, about what I should write about this evening. She joked saying maybe I should write about separation anxiety, which to be fair would be a good topic. However, I am trying to keep with the themes of the book, so I will attempt to keep on track. Soph and I have spent the last four months speaking over Skype, which is a new way for us to communicate. One of the key areas of the story is communication and specifically about whether saying something out loud is necessarily a good thing.

I am sure many of you will have heard the staggering fact that up to 93% of effective communication is actually non verbal. This was just from one UCLA study, there are many other studies out there that back up similar high percentages of non verbal communication. The problem is that when you hear facts like this you revert to thinking that maybe telepathy exists and that the other person will somehow decipher your non verbal cues. I hate to break this to you; but this is not the case. I do often think it would be far easier to communicate via the method of interpretative dance, however my friends tell me quite frequently (usually when we are in public) that this is not wise.

The non verbal element of communication can give us many clues to the context of a conversation and also gives way to some of my previous posts about gut feelings. I do believe that some of our best conversations are actually those where there are no words. The lingered eye contact, the hug, the sympathetic look that shows you that you don't need to say anything at all and the other person understands. Sometimes we don't want to say anything and just have the other person know. These occasions are probably more intimate in their setting.

There is also the element of communication on what you say verbally. The structure of the sentences you form, the words you choose and how this ultimately conveys your message. This is probably the element of communication we put the most thought into, it is a tricky science as one wrong word and that is the lasting message the other person takes away. There is an art to communication and some master this better than others. There is also the aspect of selecting what to say out loud and what to keep in your head, I believe Homer Simpson once demonstrated on how not to do this:

“Well, time to go to work.” – Homer Simpson

“Little do they know, I’m ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.” – Homer’s Brain

“Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that’s the plan.” – Homer Simpson

“Heh heh heh, they don’t suspect a thing … Well, off to the plant!” – Homer’s Brain

“Then to the Duff Brewery.” – Homer Simpson

“Uh-oh, did I say that or just think it?” – Homer’s Brain

“I gotta think of a lie fast.” – Homer Simpson

“Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?” – Marge Simpson

 

I think it is important to be honest and true in communication, it enables you to form relationships based on who you are rather than who you share. It is important that people know you for you and then they can make their decision on whether you are someone they wish to have in their life. I expect the same back from the people in my life, things maybe difficult to say but it is better to get it all out in the open and then work a way through it together. If something is worth saying to a third party then it is worth saying to the person who is the subject of your conversation.

 

We also have a further dilemma with the art of communication, especially in 2014. There are so many ways to convey a message and another problem is which method to select. You can now text, email, call, write, Skype, talk face to face or send a carrier pigeon. I, personally, usually opt for Morse code otherwise it would be a waste of my badge from Girl Guides.

 

The main character of the book deals with a number of situations where she has to decide whether it is worth sharing what is her in her head with other characters. She has to decide whether it is best to be honest and read a number of non verbal cues to make these decisions. She goes through this process initially in her own head before seeking advice to decide whether to verbalise her inner most thoughts. The question is whether she makes the right decision.... 

Trusting your gut

The main reaction to our inner voice

There has been some scientific research around your ‘gut instinct’ or your inner voice (let’s call this voice Jim) and a lot of us are more in tune with Jim than others. The gut instinct is something that has changed over the ages, as cavemen (or Neanderthals for the intellects) we had to use our gut to work out if someone was friend or foe in an instant. Over time we have had to rely on this less and less but it still exists in each of us.

I think, therefore this is my personal opinion that while you are travelling this sense is tapped back into. You meet so many new people that you have to make judgement calls on whether you trust someone with your wallet, to be a travel companion or to carry you home when you’ve had a couple of drinks. I think the more successful journeys stem from a strong gut instinct as the people you select as your travel companions help to make the adventure.

There are also occasions where your gut instinct is well off. You decide that the nice new man at work is someone you confide in, only to find out a few weeks later that he has told the whole office that you like to dress up as Xena Warrior Princess, singing along with Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ while you vacuum the front room. You realise that confiding in… let’s call your work colleague, Frank; was probably the worst thing you could have done.

Now your gut instinct won’t fail all the time, like in the situation mentioned above with Frank. We do tend to apply good gut instinct to people and sometimes we need to trust this more. There is even research to suggest that your gut instinct when you meet your partner is fairly accurate and those that had a bad ‘hunch’ when they met their partner ultimately end up as failed relationships, and those where they had a good ‘hunch’ ultimately run a very happy course.

I guess the problem is being aware if you are someone that is in tune with their inner voice that we call Jim or if you are someone that hasn’t quite got that right. There are examples like when you have an overwhelming attraction to someone that can throw Jim off: That moment where you lean in for that earth shattering kiss, only for the object of your affections to turn their cheek and they receive an open mouthed slobbery smacker. You are then left scratching your head wondering where you got the impression that ‘they felt the same’ – Bloody Jim, that’s who!

The protagonist in my story meets lots of people through her travels; she has to use her gut instinct in a number of situations. There are times she chooses to ignore this natural assessment she has inbuilt, only for it to backfire later. When writing the story I thought a lot about times when we ignore our gut and I think of the number of times other peoples gut instinct has ended up being correct when they chose to ignore it. I think over time you have to trust your gut and listen to Jim.