I dare you to love me...

I've named this post after my favourite line from a movie. The reason I love it so much is that while going through the process of coming to terms with the fact that I was attracted to women, the thought of being with a woman terrified me. I wanted someone to help me through the process and I quite literally wanted someone to say those words to me - 'I dare you to love me'.

It sounds like a challenge, but for a person that grows up with the norm that you fall in love with men, taking the step to actually being in a relationship with another woman... Well, it is a dare. It is going against everything that you think is normal, it is going against what a lot of people are comfortable with and there comes a lot of risk. Therefore when you hear the words 'out and proud', really think about what that actually means. Someone who has been through that process is indeed very brave and should be proud, and yes, I am patting myself on the back a bit by saying that.

At the same time I question myself, am I really proud? There are still occasions I avoid talking about the person I love for fear it may offend the person I am speaking to. There are times I feel slightly embarrassed to say the words, 'I am a lesbian'. I also despise the fact that I should have to put a label on myself. Then I question if I am really 'out and proud'. I think the video below describes this much more eloquently. If you have a spare ten minutes, please watch this video and applaud a very brave man.

I think society should have respect for someone that has taken the risk to 'come out'. If you are reading this as a fellow person that loves someone of the same sex and you are lucky enough to be with someone that has also taken the risk to be in a relationship with you, then I think that type of love is truly special. It is loving against all reason, all sense and with great risk. I have even more respect for people that do it with grave risk. There are currently 75 countries where it is illegal to be gay, of those 75 there are five where it is punishable by death and two where parts of the country it is punishable by death. Just take a moment to really digest that... Imagine as you sit next to the person that you love, that someone could burst in at any moment and decide that your relationship is punishable by death.

This is quite deep and depressing for a Sunday. I apologise for that, but I make no apology for bringing that fact to your attention. I am very lucky to live in a liberated country... Well, Mr Abbott has yet to legalise gay marriage in Australia but at least I can't be put in prison for living with my partner of 10 years.

It's quite funny really that a law abiding citizen, who works hard, pays taxes, provides for those they love, looks out for their friends, will take the trash out for their elderly neighbour and just be an all round good guy; can be hated by a complete stranger because the person they go home to is also a man. Actually it's not funny, it's sad. Then you have to wonder why the stranger would hate this man, a man who he has never had a conversation with: who is responsible for those values?

I'm on a bit of a soap box today, I'll take a step down from it in a second. I wish we could reverse all 75 countries belief systems, but this won't be done in a day; this will take time and awareness. It probably won't be in my lifetime but we can all help towards the little steps to raise awareness that there are currently 75 countries where it is illegal to be gay. That is nearly 40% of the worlds countries. Again, take a moment to really think about that.

I wrote this book for many reasons. The reason I am most passionate about is that we ought to be more aware that there are countries in the world where basic human rights are still restricted. The human right I am most passionate about is gay rights because I can relate. The phrase 'I dare you to love me', doesn't just restrict itself to two people who are in love. I open that up, if you have a view that gay people are an abomination; well, I dare you to love me for who I am and not who I love.

Be present and be courageous

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So, I was thinking about how we apply more thought to how we deal with colleagues at work and in our professional life than we do at home. You may now be thinking, ‘Corina, what are you talking about?’….. which to be fair I get a lot. However, today I was running over an outline of company culture and building blocks to ensure we each behave in a certain way. Well, it got me thinking and let me tell you the cogs were turning in my tiny brain; I thought about how at work we will train ourselves to deal with people in a respectful way but how often do we actually review our ‘personal life’ and our behaviour towards the most important people in our lives?

There are some common themes in the major organisations I have worked with, maybe this is because I select companies that I feel some sort of synergy with. The organisations I have worked for tend to have values around respecting your colleagues; having courageous conversations; being honest and trustworthy; taking pride in your work; being passionate about results and excellence in execution. How many of us apply this to real life? Not that work isn't real life, but you know what I mean.

I’m not saying we should walk around like conditioned robots…. No, because that would be weird. However, our nearest and dearest should be treated with respect, which is the first value I wanted to cover. I am talking about giving people your full attention, listening, taking on board their feedback and showing them that you are truly present. It is very important in an effective working relationship so therefore it is equally as important in personal relationships. So I was thinking (yep, I know this is getting dangerous) about people I spend time with and also about me (because I do like a bit of self-reflection), and how we play with our phones/answer our phones/text and generally not give the person we are spending time with our full attention. I am certainly not innocent here, I can be a huge ignoramus; but these pesky new smartphones, as great as they are…. Well, they’re also distracting. If we wouldn’t do it to a colleague, why would we do it to someone we care about? FYI I do care about my colleagues, but I am using this term for the purposes of this blog just to mean personal relationships. Don’t judge me.

One of the other values is the courageous conversation; what do I mean by that? If you genuinely respect someone and genuinely care for them, then you should not be afraid to have a tough conversation. This comes with a lot of courage and you should be very respectful if someone has cared enough to have an awkward conversation with you.  I remember one of the most harmonious houses that I lived in, we had a hard conversation on day one where we had a house meeting which got heated but this turned out to be the best foundation for our house (I love a good pun). It meant we established a respectful relationship in our home and all went on to stay great friends because of it.

Another area is trust, which is usually closely linked to being honest. Now this is a tricky area and everyone will have a different opinion, just how honest should you be? I, personally, believe in being transparent with those I am closest to. I think this means that you form 'real' relationships based on who you are. Equally there are times where you don't share everything to protect those you care about. I think withholding the truth should be a very difficult decision because ultimately you are usually doing this to protect those you love. You live with these decisions and it should be based on protection rather than being malicious.

Then we have excellence in execution…. Well that’s about actually doing all of the above. It’s all well and good saying that you are those things and telling other people that’s what you expect; but do you actually live and breathe these things? Are you one of life’s ‘apologisers’? If so, do you ever stop and reflect to make sure you are not saying sorry about the same thing over and over again? I’m not talking about being considerate and saying sorry for a basic error like spilling the milk. I’m talking about apologising for a behaviour which upsets or hurts someone else. If you say you are going to do something, do it.

I guess if you are someone who takes pride in being a good person and cares about those they love, then some of these things will flow naturally into your life. I am not saying you are a bad person if you slip up and make mistakes in how you deal with people. We all do this; the question is how you deal with these mistakes? This comes back to having tough conversations and being honest. It’s like a tidy little circle.

I am certainly not standing on a box claiming to be perfect (normally I am jumping over one or on one and being told to get immediately back off it. Pesky box jumps). I don’t think anyone can ever claim they are squeaky clean and you know what; there are also times where you have to tell little white lies to protect people and you might avoid having a tough conversation. This comes down to your judgement of a situation and whether you can deal with the consequences of your decisions. Gosh, sometimes I can be so deep (where did 'gosh' come from? Oh hello early 1900's).

For me, it’s all about self-reflection and trying to be a good person. What is the reason to try and be a good person? Well, surely you aim to be a good person for the people you love because our world goes round based on the people in our lives and the memories we make together. Now that may make you want to stick your fingers down your throat and induce vomit, but for me that’s what life is about. You make a mark through making good memories both in your own mind and other peoples. That is a sign you are truly alive: because even after you are gone, you are still alive in other peoples memories and smiles.

How does this link to the book? Well, I believe through our late teens and early twenties we make mistakes which lead to figuring out who we are; who we want to keep in our lives and the values we live by. I guess you’ll have to read the book to find out what I am rambling on about (ultimately this is why I am blogging). Yes, ok that was a shameless plug..... but please read my book…. when I finish it.

Communication

Methods of communication

It has been a very long time since my last blog. There have been a number of contributing factors: The first is that I am currently running a long distance relationship with an 8 hour time difference, the second is a new role at work meaning an increase in working hours and the third is my new addiction to crossfit. However, even my new addiction is suffering at the mere 24 hours in one day and so suffice to say that my writing has taken a hit.

I was talking to Soph, my long suffering partner, about what I should write about this evening. She joked saying maybe I should write about separation anxiety, which to be fair would be a good topic. However, I am trying to keep with the themes of the book, so I will attempt to keep on track. Soph and I have spent the last four months speaking over Skype, which is a new way for us to communicate. One of the key areas of the story is communication and specifically about whether saying something out loud is necessarily a good thing.

I am sure many of you will have heard the staggering fact that up to 93% of effective communication is actually non verbal. This was just from one UCLA study, there are many other studies out there that back up similar high percentages of non verbal communication. The problem is that when you hear facts like this you revert to thinking that maybe telepathy exists and that the other person will somehow decipher your non verbal cues. I hate to break this to you; but this is not the case. I do often think it would be far easier to communicate via the method of interpretative dance, however my friends tell me quite frequently (usually when we are in public) that this is not wise.

The non verbal element of communication can give us many clues to the context of a conversation and also gives way to some of my previous posts about gut feelings. I do believe that some of our best conversations are actually those where there are no words. The lingered eye contact, the hug, the sympathetic look that shows you that you don't need to say anything at all and the other person understands. Sometimes we don't want to say anything and just have the other person know. These occasions are probably more intimate in their setting.

There is also the element of communication on what you say verbally. The structure of the sentences you form, the words you choose and how this ultimately conveys your message. This is probably the element of communication we put the most thought into, it is a tricky science as one wrong word and that is the lasting message the other person takes away. There is an art to communication and some master this better than others. There is also the aspect of selecting what to say out loud and what to keep in your head, I believe Homer Simpson once demonstrated on how not to do this:

“Well, time to go to work.” – Homer Simpson

“Little do they know, I’m ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.” – Homer’s Brain

“Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that’s the plan.” – Homer Simpson

“Heh heh heh, they don’t suspect a thing … Well, off to the plant!” – Homer’s Brain

“Then to the Duff Brewery.” – Homer Simpson

“Uh-oh, did I say that or just think it?” – Homer’s Brain

“I gotta think of a lie fast.” – Homer Simpson

“Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?” – Marge Simpson

 

I think it is important to be honest and true in communication, it enables you to form relationships based on who you are rather than who you share. It is important that people know you for you and then they can make their decision on whether you are someone they wish to have in their life. I expect the same back from the people in my life, things maybe difficult to say but it is better to get it all out in the open and then work a way through it together. If something is worth saying to a third party then it is worth saying to the person who is the subject of your conversation.

 

We also have a further dilemma with the art of communication, especially in 2014. There are so many ways to convey a message and another problem is which method to select. You can now text, email, call, write, Skype, talk face to face or send a carrier pigeon. I, personally, usually opt for Morse code otherwise it would be a waste of my badge from Girl Guides.

 

The main character of the book deals with a number of situations where she has to decide whether it is worth sharing what is her in her head with other characters. She has to decide whether it is best to be honest and read a number of non verbal cues to make these decisions. She goes through this process initially in her own head before seeking advice to decide whether to verbalise her inner most thoughts. The question is whether she makes the right decision....