Trusting your gut

The main reaction to our inner voice

There has been some scientific research around your ‘gut instinct’ or your inner voice (let’s call this voice Jim) and a lot of us are more in tune with Jim than others. The gut instinct is something that has changed over the ages, as cavemen (or Neanderthals for the intellects) we had to use our gut to work out if someone was friend or foe in an instant. Over time we have had to rely on this less and less but it still exists in each of us.

I think, therefore this is my personal opinion that while you are travelling this sense is tapped back into. You meet so many new people that you have to make judgement calls on whether you trust someone with your wallet, to be a travel companion or to carry you home when you’ve had a couple of drinks. I think the more successful journeys stem from a strong gut instinct as the people you select as your travel companions help to make the adventure.

There are also occasions where your gut instinct is well off. You decide that the nice new man at work is someone you confide in, only to find out a few weeks later that he has told the whole office that you like to dress up as Xena Warrior Princess, singing along with Madonna’s ‘Like a Virgin’ while you vacuum the front room. You realise that confiding in… let’s call your work colleague, Frank; was probably the worst thing you could have done.

Now your gut instinct won’t fail all the time, like in the situation mentioned above with Frank. We do tend to apply good gut instinct to people and sometimes we need to trust this more. There is even research to suggest that your gut instinct when you meet your partner is fairly accurate and those that had a bad ‘hunch’ when they met their partner ultimately end up as failed relationships, and those where they had a good ‘hunch’ ultimately run a very happy course.

I guess the problem is being aware if you are someone that is in tune with their inner voice that we call Jim or if you are someone that hasn’t quite got that right. There are examples like when you have an overwhelming attraction to someone that can throw Jim off: That moment where you lean in for that earth shattering kiss, only for the object of your affections to turn their cheek and they receive an open mouthed slobbery smacker. You are then left scratching your head wondering where you got the impression that ‘they felt the same’ – Bloody Jim, that’s who!

The protagonist in my story meets lots of people through her travels; she has to use her gut instinct in a number of situations. There are times she chooses to ignore this natural assessment she has inbuilt, only for it to backfire later. When writing the story I thought a lot about times when we ignore our gut and I think of the number of times other peoples gut instinct has ended up being correct when they chose to ignore it. I think over time you have to trust your gut and listen to Jim.

I'm coming out

“I’m coming out… I want the world to knoooowwwww”  – although Diana Ross tried to make it hip and fun, most people remember their experience of ‘coming out’ as pure heartache.  Some never do it at all. Now, if you’ve not done it or been through it, you’re probably wondering what all the fuss is about. You may even think that in this day and age you shouldn’t worry about it at all. The problem is that coming out doesn’t just happen once: It happens every time you change a job, enter a new social situation and most trips to the doctor.

Doctor: “Now, is there any chance you can be pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: “Oh, are you on the contraceptive pill?”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: *Furrows brow*“Are you having unprotected sex?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: *Raises eyebrows and goes to say something*

Me: “Let me clear this right up, I sleep with women. Last time I checked, my girlfriend was firing blanks. There is no way I can be pregnant.”

The story in my book is essentially a coming of age tale. It aims to demonstrate the heartache that can be caused due to society’s views of homosexuality and how they can impact people’s relationships.  You can never prepare yourself for someone’s reaction to your emancipation from ‘the closet’ and, happily, in my experience, 90% of the time it is nothing to worry about.  Unfortunately, on occasion, you do get people who think it is socially acceptable to ask the most personal questions within approximately 24.3 seconds of meeting you. These questions normally relate to your sex life or your relationship dynamics, even though I am pretty sure, but correct me if I’m wrong, that if you’re heterosexual and in a relationship, an early question from a stranger does not tend to be, “So what position do you predominantly do it in?”

On a more serious note, there are some people who choose not to come out at all. I completely, wholeheartedly think this is the way forward: You’re either single or in a relationship. This should be a very simple fact with no bearing on who a person is. My only interest in other people’s lives is that they’re happy, whether that’s on their own, with another person or with 23 other people… As long as they’re happy and not hurting anyone else, then it’s the only thing I need to concern myself with.

I did choose to ‘come out’. I chose to tell my nearest and dearest and I chose to put a label on myself. Those were the only choices I made in the process: I did not choose to fall in love with a woman. I did not choose who that person was. It just happened. It was natural and there was no fighting it. The moment it happened, something in my head clicked and I was like… “Ahhhh, I get it now!”

I’m lucky I had such supportive friends and family around me and that I live in a country and era where sharing your sexuality is getting much easier as time progresses, and where a lot of the time no one bats an eyelid. It’s a psychological fact that we have a hierarchy of needs and one of those needs is love. Love ensures we become well-rounded and happy individuals, but there are still countries in the world today that take away that fundamental human need to be with the person you love by making it a crime. Man, woman, gay, bisexual or straight: Does it really matter?

Science versus the soul mate

"Then we have the romantics in life, such as me,
who believe that we will one day meet our soul mate"

I have been pondering the next instalment of my blog. I wanted to write around another theme in my book but I didn't want this to distract or pigeonhole the book. The last blog discussed friendship and travelling, which is covered in my story but another important area is love. Now before you shut down your computer or handheld device in disgust I will try not to be too soppy or too deep. I am not talking about motherly love, sisterly love or brotherly love - I am talking about earth moving, soul searching and doughy eyed love.

We've all experienced or witnessed it: Our friend who used to prop up the bar, dribbling out of the corner of their mouth while performing the caterpillar - badly; suddenly turns into a mush of a person who tells you that they never felt whole before and now, man, they really are whole and have been made to feel complete by this amazing person. They walk around with their head in the clouds, you don't see them for a year and you're pretty sure in that year they haven't seen the light of day.

I think the first section of the relationship is borderline madness, the hormones flying around your system and the magical realm you enter. The relationship soon progresses out of this section to being with your 'best friend' which is a very special relationship and one of the most important relationships you will form. However we all have different beliefs, some of us are more sceptical and have a more scientific view that we were made to procreate (hallelujah to procreating)! All those 'head in the clouds' moments is purely science lulling you in to ensure the deed is done and another human is fired out by the power of reproduction. 

Then we have the romantics in life, such as me, who believe that we will one day meet our soul mate. The stars have aligned and you meet the person you were put here on earth to walk side by side with. Your eyes meet across the room and you are drawn in, feeling a pull that drags you from sanity and over to a person who is about to change your world. Ok, ok, so now I am getting deep and meaningful but there are some occasions in life you think; 'whoa, now that was freaky': The person you bumped into years before and you were gutted you never asked for their number catches your eye across the cold meats section at your local supermarket. These moments blow your mind and in my opinion, so they should. I am sure the sceptics think that you just happened to be in the same place at the same time - merely a coincidence. However, I do think we all enjoy a good story around this topic - these stories 'warm your cockles'.

There are things most of us have felt: the electricity as your eyes meet across a room, the energy coming from someone you are inches away from and the force of the pull you feel, the anticipation of that first kiss and how alive you feel when someone touches your skin. This then progresses to the more romantic phase of glancing across the room to spot you soul mate propping up the bar, dribbling out of the corner of their mouth while performing the caterpillar - badly. You stand there thinking in your head: 'Result!! I am taking you home with me tonight.'

I don't get into the latter part of a relationship as part of my story but I do tell the story of falling in love. However, not all stories of falling in love are reciprocated and the story of falling in love can also be a rocky road. We don't always fall in love with the person we should and we don't always get the approval of our nearest and dearest, but don't these situations sometimes make the best stories?